I so appreciate your grief project. I had a 12-week miscarriage and d&c, and grieved like I hadn’t felt before. I felt fairly confident with the process, and knew it had to happen; but I was so surprised at how most people in my life were so uncomfortable with my grief and wanted it to stop, even just a week after it happened. Still today, when I bring up miscarriage, friends and family will say “if that hadn’t happened, you wouldn’t have your little girl now” They are still uncomfortable, still wanting to fix something that can’t be fixed… anyways, I so appreciate reading your post because they made me feel more sane. They made me feel like it is okay to feel!
I am sharing your story because October is Pregnancy, Infant and Child Loss Awareness Month. With the help of @carlymarie.leilani.becoming and the #captureyourgrief project, I started writing my own grief story four years ago and haven’t stopped since. I wanted to record the recalibration of my new normal. With every daily prompt, I open up little by little to what was flat and numb inside of me. In doing so, do you know what happened? I realized how flat and numb our Western culture was to grief in general.
Like you, there was a lot of fixers around me after I lost Tommy. But most disturbingly, many people couldn’t look at me. We have no clue how to cope with what’s heavy in our lives. It’s a risk to show up for our own losses never mind others. So, instead we escape from it! We don’t talk openly about it! We assume our story will be downplayed, judge or shamed. We compare. We feel unsafe and hide and that’s the real tragedy.
I want to salute you for sharing your grief story with me, it’s a privilege I don’t take lightly. Thank you for giving me the permission to share it. More stories need to be told and heard. The most revolutionary change starts in our homes (not social media!), with our partners, friends and community.
People often reach out to me- asking about a friend’s loss and what to do. My first instinct it to tell them to 1) look 2) listen. You are not separate from another human’s pain.
Holding your babies tight, always.
E. xo #tommytinkerforever