I am convinced.

💛👣We were looking forward to this family trip for obvious reasons. I was thinking it would be hard to go back to a place where we had so many fond memories of Tommy has he was in El Salvador 3 years prior. To my surprise- it is comforting and most familiar to be here. It makes his life less of a blur. It makes his life real. We love reminiscing on how Tommy would grab Scotts beer bottle or our friend @jvanmeer sun glasses. We see that old rusty questionable swing on the resort playground and we close our eyes and feel the breeze we hear him squeal in glee and scream in joy. I sometimes think tommys happiest moments (mine too) where on my chest and on a swing.

I was disappointed when no one asked me about him, and then I thought it's easier that way anyways. Other guests ask do we have "just the one" and I want to tell them about Tommy and I don't because it's small talk and dropping a bomb on strangers is inappropriate. But the 'JUST' is driving me crazy. It has for 3 years now. I want to say "do you see another kid here?" "Is somebody else calling me mommy?". With two little boys, people would say 'wow, thats busy". With one, people love to say "JUST" one, has if it's nothing. It's not fair, and it's nobody's fault- we all agree that's what we say.

A part of my grief has been dealing with feeling less of mom (and overall human being) for loosing him. My identity has a mother was wrapped in glossy self- worth and what people thought. Can you believe it? And yet i am guilty of asking this question myself in a distant past when I though dying babies were only a thing of movies. 

Nevertheless, this week has been revelatory. I feel grounded in ways I never thought possible. I love our family of 3. I am content. I need no approvals or opinions to remind me of my existence and self worth. Societies chatter can go on about the right & wrong ways to live. I am convince. Within me an armour of blinding light, a field of love from loss. As I look at the red swing one last time, i think Tommy had it right all along. There is nothing more fun than swinging to the beat of your own squeals or whatever drums they say? Heart I say, beat of your ❤️#tommytinkerforever

Estelle ThomsonComment