Hi Tommy in the sky!

Hi Tommy in the sky! 🌻

Today, is your birthday amour. You would have been 5 years old! 5. 
Today, I would have gotten your big boy cake, 5 candles and gifts. Your party would be organized. Excitement would be in the air. Everyone knows mommy loves the joys of birthdays and not just her own. It’s your special day. A day to call your own. One where you are given a name. One that simply states:  You are born!  You get to live! A day to bask in the shining blessings of it all. 
Would you be a Star Wars fanatics like your older brother? Would you crack each other up, push and pull like brothers do?  Even with cerebral palsy, would you be able to walk without assistance? Would you be able to bike with us as a family , or would we have found another way? Would you talk like your brother talks? Non-stop sweet little voice ? I don’t know this. I will never know. 
What I know is that you appear in the magic of silence. You are in my meditations and body prayers, my hands and my making. I know that you protect me, you enliven me, you remind me that even in pain I can choose to look at beauty. I can choose to endure, hope and dream. What I know is that you and Isaiah are my greatest, purest gifts. 
I read the other day that a baby’s DNA can stay in the mothers body, cells, blood, the works, for numerous years after the birth. That you’ve migrated all over my body is a testament to what I knew to be true all along. You are in and around me even when I think you are gone.

Thomas Merton wrote: “beneath the broken surface of life there is a hidden wholeness” . With this pain and love you’ve gifted me,  I get to glimpse closer at the hidden and mysterious side of life. I get to breathe it all in and paint it all out. I get to recognize my oneness, interconnectedness and feel everything. Your heart is my heart, remember? Isaiah says that's where you live. ‘Tommy lives there, right? ‘. Yeah, our hearts. 
A reverence to my #tommytinkerforever BIRTH day and the big boy gifts he gave me.

E ⭐️ #tommytinkerforever #captureyourgrief

Estelle ThomsonComment