Lifetime of missing you.

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I got a dog because I miss you.  I miss you in the studio, watching me paint. I miss you in the kitchen, watching me cook. I miss you in the sunroom, snuggled up with your big brother, watching cartoons. I will always live with missing you.

On my walk with Edgar, this morning, I was thinking about the sky and the rays and if you were up there and everywhere lightening it all up. I know you are, but sometimes, some days, I crave you more than others. I crave you like a baby needs a soother, or a junkie needs a hit. I crave you and I need you and at the same time I am trying to let you go. 

I am leading a 21 days of Creative Leaps Group and we are Painting our Griefs. The group is fearless #AF- full on storytelling and feeling the real stuff of life. The stuff we  close our eyes too, the stories we don’t dare putting out in the open because judgement. Because cautions. Because filters. Because pain and triggers.  When I see what these artists create on any given day, whether we paint waves or the circus or gardens- I see YOU. I hear YOU. I breath YOU in. Grief is a shared place and for the willing- a sort of nest we can tend together. Doing this work cracks me open. Its hard and incredible. 

Then letting you go might mean bringing you in that much closer, that much deeper. Like a mama bird sitting on her losses. It’s full of warmth there and it’s safe there and it’s freakin’ scary there. And so I sit. I wait. I still have so much to say, lil Tommy,  about our earth sides adventures. 
But guess what!!?!? Today, Edgar watched me paint !! and cook !! and we did watch early morning tv snuggled up with your big brother. Getting a dog didn’t replace you, that’s obvious. But it did give me a companion. A partner in crime. An accomplice. Are you lucky enough to have that? {mine happens to have fur and a really flat nose but yours might most likely be a human with a really nice nose 😉).

Until then, keep lightening up the sky, little star, and I’ll keep wondering where you are.




Estelle ThomsonComment