Day 62

We were at the beach yesterday, Isaiah & I having the most wonderful time. Isaiah was running around and playing with another little boy that was there. For a moment, I'd close my eyes, open my eyes, and close my eyes again. For a little while, I gave myself permission to imagine that Isaiah was playing with tommy. The moment was delicious and perfect. This is how things 'should have ' been , this is what my life. 'Should have' looked like. You see,I have imagined this very moment -tommy playing with Isaiah- many times. In the numerous moments of not knowing if Thomas would ever survive and in times of deep , deep anxiety - I would imagine things. I would daydream seeing my baby boy off to school. I would imagine him getting ready for his prom, and meeting his wife . If I thought these things , they were surely going to happen- it gave me hope. With time, I am learning that in the lost is not just the component of loosing your son ( or mom, or uncle etc) . In the lost , is loosing part of yourself. It is loosing what 'should have' happened, what didn't happen, what will never happen. We all have ' should haves'. I should be this and do that, and be more of this and less of that. My grief is undoubtedly my most challenging (yoga) practice. In it, I learn to embrace the anger, loss of self, and thereby learning to live with it, everyday without flinching . Without the guilt of my wandering imagination, without jealously of others 'perfect' life. I felt an omnipresent peace yesterday, a joy, watching them play. Since it was , in essence , tommy playing with Isaiah. To see, feel, sense pass the pain, and know that all is ONE. That is the awakening.


Estelle Thomson