I have let my heart burst open because Tommy forever lives in me NOW. That's powerful to know. I can either take his passing has a reason to close-up, deteriorate, shut-down. OR ( my choice) I can take this tragedy courageously & to use Elizabeth Gilbert words:
let it ascend to another rope ladder up my soul.
I'll break it to you now : I am not a perfect mother, I am not a perfect yogi&wife&friend and this and this and that and that. The 'new ' me has been walking under a pervasive riptide of loss & learning to cope with that. Nevertheless, I have felt delicately lifted by an all-encompassing force. I am on a quest for meaning, wisdoms &hope.
I have never spent so much time away from Tommy- from his little fingers poking me in bed in the morning , from his sweet chest on my chest, his soft cheek on my cheek, his smell, from his squeals and giggles, from seeing him play with his brother... And yet I have never felt so close to him.