Day 55

This is one of those moments last summer where I tell myself I should have known. I should have known Thomas was sick and was going to leave this world. The look on his face, the worry, the wisdom.

I ran into Christine today. Christine was Tommy's personal nurse. She was my go-to. The type of nurse you email long past office hours and she answered you long past office hours. The type of nurse you want for your son. The one who tells you to go for a walk, tells you how fabulous you look when's you've had about 2 hrs of sleep in 2 days& brings you Tim's when one most need it. I'll hold your son for you as long as it takes- go! she'd say. I saw her today and I completely lost it. So much of her was anchored in my hope for Thomas. 'I miss him so much' she said right away- in a soft yet brutal honestly. My cries where so deep, imagine digging the earth for its core, imagine drowning in your own fucking tears.

I live in Tommy's things all day, every day. I walk where's he's crawled, I find littles shoes & socks still everywhere, he's presence his still so real and I have no troubles with that yet I see her & I completely melt down. People like her remind me of how full the world is of GOOD people. People who care, people who give a shit, people who are still so overwhelmingly empathetic that you can't help but be moved by them.

Thank you Christine for hugging me today; for allowing me to move forward toward forgiving my ignorance and blindness toward Tommy's irrevocable destiny. I am forever touched, by you.

Estelle Thomson