‘All dark nights ends with illuminating new path’ -Carolyn Myss
As I am forging my new identity, I realize that our culture is not comfortable with talking about the depth of emotional torment, such has the one of loosing a young child. Death is taboo, unspeakable, we lack vocabulary, we lack awareness. Beyond good manners, what is there to say? I hate being vague about my family. In the line up at the grocery store, out at the park or beach, strangers will ask how old is your child, making pleasantries , is he/she sleeping through the night? I’d grown weary of this with Tommy since he looked like a newborn at 6 months & to count back his corrected age was annoying. And wtf, people at the grocery store don’t need to know your life!
But your loved ones? That’s different. I think we need to start knowing that it is not weird or morbid to have discussions about death. I make a point to not hide my past in conversations, no matter how awkward or unpleasant it is for me. I’ve learned that, I separate myself if I don’t reveal. If I distance myself from Thomas, I’d collapse, rupture in pieces of broken selves. I got to keep him near.
In my world, Tommy’s legacy lives on. Forever. I have kept saying ‘yes’ to all my feeling towards Tommy’s passing. It has been the hardest challenge of my life, yet it gives me spark. I feel connected.How can something so heart wrenching enabled me to taste life ‘here & now’ is unbeknownst to me just yet. But I don’t need to understand, I just need to follow the path.