"See the light."

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Vanity Fair gave the most incredible tribute to my sister-in-law Hannah. Please read it!! Please share it. Please love the life you are in!!! Hannah did.

She worked her butt & brains off, and she loved the humans in her ocean fiercely. How lucky was I to know even just a sliver of that capacity to love. Making dreams out of pictures, following her obsessions. And caring. Hannah cared the most. I loved this segment best.

“If you were looking, you might spot her darting around the room, usually in black slacks and an elegant jacket, lifting her camera with one hand and a light in the other, snapping a photo and then smiling with quiet thanks before moving on. She always sought the best in others. It’s what made her a terrific photographer and a compassionate human.”

A million thanks for capturing my sister so accurately & poignantly @rdwilliams .


If I close my eyes, I see her just so


Love you in - as per Hannah- seeing the LIGHT, always


E ⭐️

See the Light

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A month before she passed, I interviewed Hannah on She Quest Podcast. There are sets of questions you know, I ask on my show. One of them is “what is your mantra?”. Think of a mantra as invisible string of words tattooed on you. Something you can repeat yourself.

 

And she said “see the light”. She said that.

 

Today, it seems my life was so not funny, it was funny. The cry-laugh phase, where all I wanted to do is give up and swear in slang French (they a much nastier than ‘fuck’ if you ask me). I found myself so stuck in my own b.s. I couldn’t get out.

 

And then, I remember Hannah’s words “see the light”. SEE THE LIGHT. See the light.

 

Then you know what I did? I decided to SEE THE LIGHT.  

 

I went for a second cup of coffee. ( one of the lucky few who had power!)

I put on a neon pink shirt. (Hannah would have approved)

I got out of my own way. ( yes, mantra’s will do that!)

 

If anything, both Tommy or Hannah taught me is to SEE THE LIGHT.

 

And also, to never, never NEVER give up.

 

Yours in good word tattoo’s, always

E. xo

The LOVE PROJECT : What are we here for?

Jessie Redmond Photography

Jessie Redmond Photography


There is always more to uncover, more to know, more to heal, more to love, more to give. Being true to oneself is a rough-and-tumble ride, full of challenges and wonders. The Jungian scholar James Hollis writes, "We are not here to fit in, to be well balanced, or provide example for others. We are here to be eccentric, different, perhaps strange, perhaps merely to add our small piece, our little clunky chunky cells, see the great mosaic of being. As the gods intended, we are here to become more and more ourselves.

"Marrow" by Elizabeth Lesser.

The Love Project Workshop is starting again this fall. Become more and more of yourself.

A privilege to witness your unfolding, always.

E. xo


3 Ways You Can Exercise Beauty Today

Forget what you think is beautiful.

Forget what you think is not beautiful.

Forget what you’ve been taught about beauty for a split of a second and instead remember what’s true. This is perhaps the greatest gift of a daily art & yoga practice: a greater understanding of what is true. Not what is beautiful.

As an artist & yogi, my intention is to bring forth what’s inside me OUT. Express my innards out into the world. I don’t know anyone who’s innards is always pretty and cute. I also don’t know anyone who is able to live in a vacuum. Your truth is meant to be witness, shared and loved.

To not bypass the gut wrenching moments of my life ( one of mine was holding my sweet boy until the last few moments on earth) is not easy, it’s the work of a lifetime. My hope in giving you these 3 mini art & yoga tools, you can try to be comfortable in what you cannot change or solve.

  1. One of my favourite, quick getting ‘down and dirty' meditation is SAT NAM. Sat Nam meditation is an inner sound base meditation. The Sankrit word “Sat Nam” can be translated in English to “i am truth’. I sit down, cross legged and or on a chair for at least 5 minutes and Inhale to the sound Sat and exhale to sound Nam. Mantra’s have powerful in the the vibrational qualities, they stays with you all day ( if not weeks) long. I have students who say they cannot commit well to Sankrit, I would then suggest to repeat the mantra in English or your language of choice.

  2. In summer, I love to go outside and do a breathing exercise I call: breath beauty. It’s so simple! I go in my backyard - you can do this exercise ANYWHERES and breath everything that is around me. I breath the grass, and the trees, and the leaf, but I also breath the things I think are yucky like the spiders, the worms and even my old shed-lol! You can start with your yes wide open and look around you. Perhaps their are thing in your room or space of choice that you are seeing for the first time!

  3. You know I love journalling! I love it so much, I have several journals and portfolio’s in my online shop. To help you debunk your own concept of beauty and truth , answering these question will start the much needed conversation around this. Here are some prompts to start you with 1) what would happened if I operated from a place of truth? 2) How have I been not living my truth ( living a lie perhaps? ) 3) When is the last time I was truly moved by an experience?

Tommy and I wish you live in truth and never neglect the “not beautiful” , always.

E.xo

p.s: Art & Yoga tools are the cornerstone of my on site THE LOVE PROJECT Workshop ( now open!) and SHE QUEST ( which is becoming membership in September)

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C'est beau la vie!

Écoute complète ici: http://bit.ly/affairesetmagie_estelle

Merveilleuse conversation EN FRANÇAIS (!!!!) avec Karine Ricard pour le beau Podcast “Affaires et Magie de Mères”. Retrouver l’épisode complet ICI: http://bit.ly/affairesetmagie_estelle

Retrouver Karine sure son site web:  https://www.lamarelleco.com/

Retrouver Karine sure son site web: https://www.lamarelleco.com/


Karine écrit:

Estelle danse avec la vie (littéralement) et partage ses réflexions et ses enseignements sous plusieurs formes. Que ce soit dans ses classes de yoga, ses retraites, son membership en ligne pour reconnecter la femme à son pouvoir créatif, ses oeuvres d’art et sa poésie qui sont offerts dans une variété de formats, ou son programme de mentorat pour aider les profs de yoga pour injecter plus de sens à leurs cours, elle BRILLE sans limite avec tellement de simplicité. ⭐️

On jase de sujets chauds, comme ceux-ci :

• Le besoin urgent de partager le darkside de la maternité pour plus une collectivité plus transparente et bienveillante

• Comment ne pas s’identifier à travers l’un ou l’autre des rôles qu’on joue dans la vie

• Où tracer la ligne quand notre marque personnelle (personal brand) gagne en notoriété et qu’on se fait reconnaître à l’épicerie !

• Son parcours en tant que “performer” et comment le théâtre lui a ouvert la porte sur le yoga

• L’art, la forme de thérapie qui l’a suivie toute sa vie avant de devenir essentielle pour faire changement de l’isolement du post-partum immédiat

• Son parcours à travers 2 grossesses rapprochées, un enfant prématuré et les défis de santé qui s’en sont suivis - et comment ses pratiques et rituels déjà établis l’ont sauvée dans ses expériences extrêmement douloureuses

• Le moment où elle s’est rendue à l’évidence que la tristesse ferait partie de sa vie, toute sa vie et le constat que le deuil, c’est tellement VIVANT

• Le Grief Project, un projet qui l’a trouvée tout naturellement après des années à partager son cheminement suite au décès de son garçon, qui a aidé tellement de femmes et qui a finalement été converti en un documentaire télé sur la CBC !

• SHE Quest, son membership pour femme en quête de sens, de liberté et de créativité qui allie l’art et le yoga comme outils de connaissance de soi et de transformation

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• Et tellement plus <3

Pure MAGIE 

Bonne Écoute!!

http://bit.ly/affairesetmagie_estelle

E.xo

Pssst.... Documentary Alert!

Jessie Redmond Photography

Jessie Redmond Photography

🦋 Pssst: Did you know I made a documentary? My own documented SHE QUEST through love & loss.

In a way, going on a SHE QUEST is looking at loss in it's many forms. By rule, you cannot transform anew without loosing something. For me, it was loosing my son Tommy but also the life I would have had with him! Grief is wide and alive and part of our everyday highs and lows. Everybody grieves. Everybody as a soul. Soul work is in fact- grief work! You can watch my #tommytinkerforever documentary HERE.

A big thanks to CBC for supporting voices & stories outside the mainstream media that have something to bring forth and OUT 💥 into the world.
Love you in love & loss, always.
E. ⭐️ p.s : if you’ve watched it.... what was you biggest takeaway? 😘
Lens : @jessieredmondphoto


Lucky & Lonely

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As a mother (and/or human), I can feel :
Lucky and lonely
Mighty and helpless
Gentle and fierce
Stuck and free.
Best yet, I can allow all that to coexist.
And when I do, I feel at peace.
I let go.
I fly free.
I come home to myself.
Yeah- lying on this bed with you my love,
I see how much we’ve grown.
Yours in #fbf , long summer days (on their way!!!) and cozy morning bed cuddles, always.
E ⭐️ #tommytinkerforever

Answer D

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How did I find myself twirling in Spain?

A) Tommy
B) Picasso
C) Gelato
D) all of the above

It’s a simple fact of life that I wouldn’t be in Barcelona if it weren’t for loosing Tommy. So while I am rapping up an incredible week of leading 12 starlight souls in South of France, I decided to hop over to Spain for a twirl or two.
Grieving Tommy has taught me so much, you know !? First, to never avoid or postpone life. Second, to let yourself go to the depth of your sadness. It’s there that you will find yourself refusing to live small and numb. I always thought sad was dark and depressed but it’s quite the opposite. In this sacred place, I found movement, colours , dance and flow. The dark places inside you are like Picasso’s sacred art : deeply misunderstood, undervalued, offends and revolts the oppressed. And yet, without Picasso the world of art wouldn’t have renewed and exploded like it did.

Third, Tommy has taught me that real grieving never gets stuck, never waits, never hesitates. In that way, Tommy (and Picasso) have made saying “Who does that !? “ not exist.

Real grieving let me see and feel with my whole body (note: not just from the neck up) that life is generous, wide and alive. Its sweet , crunchy and scrumptious to the sense and and I don’t want to be held back- I’ll take two scoops, please!
I’m so proud of my Tinker for teaching me this, you know ? Picasso’s art and gelato are just bonuses.
Answer D) all of the above!

Love you in #tommytinkerforever, always.
E ⭐️

Mantra for Bereaved Mothers.

✨Coming out of my fairy hiding hut sans-wifi weekend to dance & twirl with other mothers on International Bereaved Mother’s Day.

Paramount to my muse-fairy philosophy is that we must teach our bodies to move towards our emotions.
Breathe ~Relax~ Feel~ Watch~Allow is the oldest Mantra I’ve ever learn, I make light of it in the Tommy Tinker Doc.


Mama of angel(s), use it today. Take 5 minute in your own fairy hut ( sometime mistaken as silent bedrooms, yoga mats, beaches or backyards). Internally or best yet- loudly to yourself:
Breathe ~Relax~ Feel~ Watch ~ Allow.

Life has soaring highs and unmistakeable lows- it wouldn’t be life if it was just so. To pause today and acknowledge our losses connects us to the love we have for our children, the love they have for us, the love we have for each other.
This love is whole , full and everlasting.
Back in hiding I go Love you and your angels too.
E. ⭐️

A mother’s strength & magic.

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✨Lately, Isaiah has been asking for some alone time. “Please don’t disturb me mommy, right now, I’d like to have quiet time in my room”. I secretly chuckle because it’s seems like funny words coming out of 7 years old and also- how many times has he heard this from me? Bahaaaha. I taught him that, you know?!

I retrieved this picture the other day of a younger Isaiah. A season in my life where ‘quiet time’ didn’t seem to exist. I remember feeling robbed of so much back when the boys where really little. My body didn’t feel mine, my mind and dreams highjacked by bottle feedings, sticky fingers and dry milk. I remember feeling so weak all over, you know?

There is a quote by Alan Watts I love that says: “in giving away control, you’ve got it”. On days where I felt unworthy in my motherhood journey- art and yoga has always offered solace and a place of belonging. And look! What the hell? In the midst of a grey day walk- this supposedly ‘weak’ mother was sneaking in a postures I don’t even know I can do today ! I don’t see weak. What I see is a mother’s strength and magic. I see someone trying to squeeze in “alone” time where and when she can. While the same time, teaching her toddler how to do the same.


Most importantly, art& yoga has the possibility to transform how you live your life- it has for me over and over again. Whether that be doing funny shapes on top of rocks, painting in hospital rooms or waking up earlier than everyone to chase sunrises. You’ve got the power to sneak it in at the most unexpected of places. I dare you. Will you let it? Because as Alan Watts so poignantly puts it … “you’ve got it.”


Yours in letting life work through you and not the other way around.


YOU’VE GOT THIS!!
E ⭐️

Brave is Vulnerable

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“Everybody wants to be brave. Very few of us want to feel vulnerable. Brave is vulnerable!!!!! “


My bff @brenebrown is on Netflix & and it’s raining until May in Nova Scotia so GO watch it.
Today. Tonight. ASAP.


Yours in reframing superpowers, always
Today. Tonight. ASAP.
E ⭐️

Rumi is always right.

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💛👣This is love: To fly toward a secret sky, to cause a hundred veils to fall each moment. First to let go of life. Finally, to take a step without feet.” • RUMI

Rumi is always right. (First to let go of life.) In the kitchen on the night after Tommy’s memorial. Looking right, his high chair and looking left a clean empty milk bottle. I kneeled down to get his formula. I grab it. I stop. I have done this ten of thousands of times before. Chin to my chest, bouncing my knees, closing my eyes- oh yeah, I don’t need to do that anymore.

(Hundred more veils falling.)

In our backyard, I look at Isaiah biking. Look how tall!and big ! and smart! and daredevil you are!!!! Didn’t I just cradle you both in my arms? (Hundred more veils falling.) Motherhood opened me up to my complexity and identity. My priorities instantly shifted. A crash course in alertness, tenderness, multitasking and forgetting me. But in the forgetting is this remembering and then somehow I give myself room for growth and the dignity to discover what I think and what I want. I give more. I care more.

I cannot know or be or do everything: I can only listen, notice and feel my way into my child. I’ve improvised with them and created a nest from day 1 and it’s been;

Quiet and loud.
Difficult and delightful. (this is love)
Rumi is always right.

(to fly towards a secret sky)
And so i fly!
And take one more step without feet.

Yours in unfolding into the wondrous path ahead,
Always.
E ⭐️ #tommytinkerforever

Tommy's Birthday

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✨👼🏼It’s not the first time that Fathers Day falls on Tommy’s birthday.
We celebrated both by:
Buying a little cake and eating it too!
Playing badminton has a family in our sunny backyard.
Watching a very emotional 😭 dog movie.

(Am i the only one that bawls watching cheesy family movies!?!? 😂) You know, the usual weekend.

Except, today -June 16th- Tommy would have been 7 years old 🎂
It’s hard to comprehend what we’ve been through at times. But what I know for sure is that @thomsonrichardscott never stop being engaged, present and fun (do you even know how funny my husband is!?!) through it all.
Tommy’s taught us, that where there is love, everything and anything is possible.
And love!?! TONS of that when daddy’s near.
Love you in love, loss and appropriately cheesy family movies always.
E ⭐️ #tommytinkerforever

Softness is my gift.

Jessie Redmond Photography

Jessie Redmond Photography


Favourite new rule from favourite new book “Wolfpack” by @abbywambach

“Believe in yourself. Demand the ball.”
Things you don’t know about me:
I suck at team sports!
Take Rugby, for example.
I couldn’t tackle girls.
I would tackle a girl and say “omg, are you okay!?” “can I help you up!? ” “am soooo sorry”.
This made me a weak player.

I had such a deep a-ha moment, today.
If I repurposed my many lost attempt at playing Rugby, and my many lost attempt at playing life- you would get the same thing.
My FEELINGS.
But see, feeling is my gift!
My superpowers.
And without my superpowers- the world is hopeless.
Softness is my gift.
And THAT makes me more badass than any sloppy rugby tackle I’ve ever given!! So there.
Give me the effing ball!! I mean, coconut
Don’t you see!? My power as been there all along....... in my weakness!

Yours in creating your own effin’ balls, always!
Get that book asap, wolfpack 🐺
E ⭐️

Frogs & hope.

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🐸 Spring in Cow Bay means counting for tadpoles at the flag pond and make sure we are in good shape for frog catching season! This is 2014. I want to say I remember everything about this night, but I don’t. It was an entirely boring and uneventful night. The boys were really into fish sticks and corn at the time, and I think Tommy had just started to eat solids. As per his expression, he was in a fine mood and talking up a storm. They both loved that wagon so much. After Tommy passed, Isaiah told me he’d rather not see it anymore and it took a very, very long time for it to be taken down the garage’s highest shelf.


It’s a strange thing: time. Because if I look at this picture now, I see nothing but ordinary! I see the smirk of a 26 week born boy will to live and be well. I see a 2 year old wonder & awe. I see the most engaged and present father. I see a mother’s tired toes and new Birkenstock (when you first buy them, they are not that comfortable, remember that?) . I see a young family’s little thing called: hope.


When you think your life is boring.... think again.look again.
It’s the one inside you that believes in magic that will teach you:
Everything.
Yours in ordinary #boringnotsoboring spring night, always.
E.xo
#tommytinkerforever

Your pain is alive and wide.

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We crave fulfillment.
We hunger for freedom.
And yet, very few of us want to feel the opposite.
@vav.ava shares this so well.
You think your pain will be the death of you but it’s the complete opposite.
Your pain is ALIVE and WIDE.
It’s what’s inside begging to be tended to.
Get your cape on, lovers.
We got some feeling to do.
Love you in superpowers, always.
E. xo
ps: don’t believe me ? I got a Documentary for you to watch!

Marvelous mothering

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I wear many hats.
Mother is one of them.
Only one.
The hardest and easiest contract I’ve ever embarked on.
Teaching me patience.
Love beyond time and space.
How to cook (seriously)
When my mother hat got blown off by the biggest gust of wind -aka when I lost Tommy-I realized how much worth I had attached to my mother hat. How I got blind in it.
A wonderful take away of my loosing my hat to the wind was to realize the only one that could define that role was - me.
Isaiah and Tommy’s teachings are ever-evolving. They transformed me- a new dimension of the world revealed. But because I lost it once and got lost in it- I now own it to myself (and other mothers) to look at it. Investigate it. Engage with its complex materials. How did I want to feel in my mother hat? Because even through the hardest time, I have a choice.
As a mother, I can feel :
Lucky and lonely
Mighty and helpless
Gentle and fierce
Stuck and free.
Best yet, I can allow all that to coexist.
And when I do, I feel at peace.
I let go.
I fly free.
I come home to myself.
Yeah- lying on the grass with you my love,
I see how much we’ve grown.
I love letting go with you.
Yours in marvelous mothering, always.
E ⭐️ #mothersaremagic#tommytinkerforever

Are angels are near?

Do you believe in magic? ✨

It was a dreamy and stupidly hot Nova Scotia summer day and I was off to my first ever meeting with the CBC for the #TommyTinkerForever Documentary. I was in a rush dropping Isaiah off. Has I stepped in the car, I saw a grey feather on my path. I picked it up and looked at it for a long time. It lingered in my hand to then find its way the dashboard of the car. I was late yet picked up my phone and Googled “meaning of feather in your path”. The first thing I saw in bold letters: WHEN FEATHERS APPEARED, ANGELS ARE NEAR. Shivers cut through the humidity and I couldn’t help but laugh/cry alone in my car.


I don’t want to believe this stuff, and then sometimes it’s too much. I could choose to step on the feather and not think twice, not pick it up- be asleep for the little wonders . Or I can choose to look, listen, pick it up and do a little research.


On my way to the CBC that morning, I knew the project was way WAY way bigger than me.
Have you had moments like this in your life? Moments of synchronies and signs you can’t un-see. Tell me your synchronicity stories!!!

Love you in waking up to the magic all around, always.
E. ⭐️ Nb: TommyTinkerForever is being watched at Dalhousie University Nursing School, Psychologist Offices and in my Love Project Workshop.

WAY bigger than me 😭❤️
Share with a friend and watch the 30 min cut today here: https://www.youtube.com/embed/vD783K_2InY

Lens: @jessieredmondphoto