Transforming into the mother shape: confronting some tough little beasts

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“Can I even go pee alone, ever again? Can I eat anything else but fishies and Kraft Dinner and broccoli (the ONLY veggie my child ever eats)? And most importantly, can I remember the old me? Knock, knock. Are you there?”

Most of my mothering career has been about dropping the idea of what the perfect mother looks like in my head and in my life. Imagine being in a changing room and trying on motherhood outfits, one after the other. Nope, that one doesn’t fit. No, this one ain’t right. Akk! This isn’t it.

So perhaps, after 8 years of trying to perfect the motherhood outfit, the only thing I’ve gotten better at is throwing those stupid-looking clothes and ideals on the ground. Perhaps, I can finally let go of how “good” motherhood should look on me.

In my conversation, with Jessie Harold for her MotherShift podcast, I speak of transforming into my mother shape and how I’ve had to confront some tough little beasts. I was inclined to share my story because the transition into motherhood is an arduous process and nobody talks about it. If you do talk about it, it makes you a bad mother!

 Perhaps, I can finally let go of how “good” motherhood should look on me.

I went from having a textbook perfect pregnancy and labor, to having an emergency C-section. This all in the span of 10 months. I remember going from being the most comfortable in my skin, to being cut up and angry. This is just a glimpse of what tested my physical limits. Emotionally, monsters one was in the form of deep loneliness. Monster 2 was mourning my old life (and feeling guilty for it). Monster 3 made me break apart internally, it was when I realize nursing was WAY harder than pregnancy. Oh shit. This little creature needs me all. the. TIME.

And time? A weird concept where now, I am a complete devout to my child. Can I even go pee alone, ever again? Can I eat anything else but fishies and Kraft Dinner and broccoli (the ONLY veggie my child ever eats)? And most importantly, can I remember the old me? Knock, knock. Are you there?

CLICK ON THIS IMAGE TO LISTEN TO OUR CONVERSATION!

CLICK ON THIS IMAGE TO LISTEN TO OUR CONVERSATION!

Can I remember the old me? Knock, knock. Are you there?

But see, with Jessie, we also discuss how motherhood shifts (yes! like the name of her beautiful offering), re-align and recalibrated everything for me.  Instead of stunting my creativity, motherhood heightened it.  Self-expression is key. Creativity after all is born in the dark. Motherhood has thought me what love is beyond time and beyond space. Don’t even get me going on how lucky I was to have tools such has yoga and art to support this tumultuous change and amplify the complex and impressive magic of motherhood. And that last part is exactly why I created SHE QUEST MEMBERSHIP.

I have been so passionate about helping mothers reclaim their power pre/ post natally because of the lack of support I’ve felt in my own unfolding journey into motherhood. We need more moms ( and fuck it… more women in general!) to trust that their motherhood outfits look fucking rad. Yes, what you put on works for you and not for me and that’s OKAY and that’s VALID. That your experience of motherhood whether it be super dark or super rosy is real.  Let them know there is no size and shape that fits all. Let them know here is only YOUR mother shape.  

Keep throwing those supposedly “good” outfits on the floors, step on them!

Make your own make-shift outfit,  get-up and GO!

Reminding all you mothers that YES.

YES, you are MAGIC .

Don’t ever let anyone ( or yourself) tell you otherwise.

Love you in confronting some tough little beasts, always.

E. xo

 

p.s: Magic is something worth wanting.

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The wild magic of horses and my son’s confidence riding this graceful creature.

Was I ever that confident with anything?

Horses represent freedom and power - to see them up-close... what a treat!


As a mom- I grow more and more aware that to live a magic life is to be challenged and tested. Daily.
But through my son’s eyes & heart, I stay close to wonder & awe.

All is alive with possibilities if you choose to see it that way.

All is a gift.
Above all, is to believe.
To believe that magic is something worth wanting.
Freedom and power, too.
Love you in warm summer nights and unlocking the key to your superpowers, always.
E ⭐️

C'est beau la vie!

Écoute complète ici: http://bit.ly/affairesetmagie_estelle

Merveilleuse conversation EN FRANÇAIS (!!!!) avec Karine Ricard pour le beau Podcast “Affaires et Magie de Mères”. Retrouver l’épisode complet ICI: http://bit.ly/affairesetmagie_estelle

Retrouver Karine sure son site web:  https://www.lamarelleco.com/

Retrouver Karine sure son site web: https://www.lamarelleco.com/


Karine écrit:

Estelle danse avec la vie (littéralement) et partage ses réflexions et ses enseignements sous plusieurs formes. Que ce soit dans ses classes de yoga, ses retraites, son membership en ligne pour reconnecter la femme à son pouvoir créatif, ses oeuvres d’art et sa poésie qui sont offerts dans une variété de formats, ou son programme de mentorat pour aider les profs de yoga pour injecter plus de sens à leurs cours, elle BRILLE sans limite avec tellement de simplicité. ⭐️

On jase de sujets chauds, comme ceux-ci :

• Le besoin urgent de partager le darkside de la maternité pour plus une collectivité plus transparente et bienveillante

• Comment ne pas s’identifier à travers l’un ou l’autre des rôles qu’on joue dans la vie

• Où tracer la ligne quand notre marque personnelle (personal brand) gagne en notoriété et qu’on se fait reconnaître à l’épicerie !

• Son parcours en tant que “performer” et comment le théâtre lui a ouvert la porte sur le yoga

• L’art, la forme de thérapie qui l’a suivie toute sa vie avant de devenir essentielle pour faire changement de l’isolement du post-partum immédiat

• Son parcours à travers 2 grossesses rapprochées, un enfant prématuré et les défis de santé qui s’en sont suivis - et comment ses pratiques et rituels déjà établis l’ont sauvée dans ses expériences extrêmement douloureuses

• Le moment où elle s’est rendue à l’évidence que la tristesse ferait partie de sa vie, toute sa vie et le constat que le deuil, c’est tellement VIVANT

• Le Grief Project, un projet qui l’a trouvée tout naturellement après des années à partager son cheminement suite au décès de son garçon, qui a aidé tellement de femmes et qui a finalement été converti en un documentaire télé sur la CBC !

• SHE Quest, son membership pour femme en quête de sens, de liberté et de créativité qui allie l’art et le yoga comme outils de connaissance de soi et de transformation

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• Et tellement plus <3

Pure MAGIE 

Bonne Écoute!!

http://bit.ly/affairesetmagie_estelle

E.xo

Mantra for Bereaved Mothers.

✨Coming out of my fairy hiding hut sans-wifi weekend to dance & twirl with other mothers on International Bereaved Mother’s Day.

Paramount to my muse-fairy philosophy is that we must teach our bodies to move towards our emotions.
Breathe ~Relax~ Feel~ Watch~Allow is the oldest Mantra I’ve ever learn, I make light of it in the Tommy Tinker Doc.


Mama of angel(s), use it today. Take 5 minute in your own fairy hut ( sometime mistaken as silent bedrooms, yoga mats, beaches or backyards). Internally or best yet- loudly to yourself:
Breathe ~Relax~ Feel~ Watch ~ Allow.

Life has soaring highs and unmistakeable lows- it wouldn’t be life if it was just so. To pause today and acknowledge our losses connects us to the love we have for our children, the love they have for us, the love we have for each other.
This love is whole , full and everlasting.
Back in hiding I go Love you and your angels too.
E. ⭐️

A mother’s strength & magic.

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✨Lately, Isaiah has been asking for some alone time. “Please don’t disturb me mommy, right now, I’d like to have quiet time in my room”. I secretly chuckle because it’s seems like funny words coming out of 7 years old and also- how many times has he heard this from me? Bahaaaha. I taught him that, you know?!

I retrieved this picture the other day of a younger Isaiah. A season in my life where ‘quiet time’ didn’t seem to exist. I remember feeling robbed of so much back when the boys where really little. My body didn’t feel mine, my mind and dreams highjacked by bottle feedings, sticky fingers and dry milk. I remember feeling so weak all over, you know?

There is a quote by Alan Watts I love that says: “in giving away control, you’ve got it”. On days where I felt unworthy in my motherhood journey- art and yoga has always offered solace and a place of belonging. And look! What the hell? In the midst of a grey day walk- this supposedly ‘weak’ mother was sneaking in a postures I don’t even know I can do today ! I don’t see weak. What I see is a mother’s strength and magic. I see someone trying to squeeze in “alone” time where and when she can. While the same time, teaching her toddler how to do the same.


Most importantly, art& yoga has the possibility to transform how you live your life- it has for me over and over again. Whether that be doing funny shapes on top of rocks, painting in hospital rooms or waking up earlier than everyone to chase sunrises. You’ve got the power to sneak it in at the most unexpected of places. I dare you. Will you let it? Because as Alan Watts so poignantly puts it … “you’ve got it.”


Yours in letting life work through you and not the other way around.


YOU’VE GOT THIS!!
E ⭐️

Rumi is always right.

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💛👣This is love: To fly toward a secret sky, to cause a hundred veils to fall each moment. First to let go of life. Finally, to take a step without feet.” • RUMI

Rumi is always right. (First to let go of life.) In the kitchen on the night after Tommy’s memorial. Looking right, his high chair and looking left a clean empty milk bottle. I kneeled down to get his formula. I grab it. I stop. I have done this ten of thousands of times before. Chin to my chest, bouncing my knees, closing my eyes- oh yeah, I don’t need to do that anymore.

(Hundred more veils falling.)

In our backyard, I look at Isaiah biking. Look how tall!and big ! and smart! and daredevil you are!!!! Didn’t I just cradle you both in my arms? (Hundred more veils falling.) Motherhood opened me up to my complexity and identity. My priorities instantly shifted. A crash course in alertness, tenderness, multitasking and forgetting me. But in the forgetting is this remembering and then somehow I give myself room for growth and the dignity to discover what I think and what I want. I give more. I care more.

I cannot know or be or do everything: I can only listen, notice and feel my way into my child. I’ve improvised with them and created a nest from day 1 and it’s been;

Quiet and loud.
Difficult and delightful. (this is love)
Rumi is always right.

(to fly towards a secret sky)
And so i fly!
And take one more step without feet.

Yours in unfolding into the wondrous path ahead,
Always.
E ⭐️ #tommytinkerforever

Frogs & hope.

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🐸 Spring in Cow Bay means counting for tadpoles at the flag pond and make sure we are in good shape for frog catching season! This is 2014. I want to say I remember everything about this night, but I don’t. It was an entirely boring and uneventful night. The boys were really into fish sticks and corn at the time, and I think Tommy had just started to eat solids. As per his expression, he was in a fine mood and talking up a storm. They both loved that wagon so much. After Tommy passed, Isaiah told me he’d rather not see it anymore and it took a very, very long time for it to be taken down the garage’s highest shelf.


It’s a strange thing: time. Because if I look at this picture now, I see nothing but ordinary! I see the smirk of a 26 week born boy will to live and be well. I see a 2 year old wonder & awe. I see the most engaged and present father. I see a mother’s tired toes and new Birkenstock (when you first buy them, they are not that comfortable, remember that?) . I see a young family’s little thing called: hope.


When you think your life is boring.... think again.look again.
It’s the one inside you that believes in magic that will teach you:
Everything.
Yours in ordinary #boringnotsoboring spring night, always.
E.xo
#tommytinkerforever

Marvelous mothering

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I wear many hats.
Mother is one of them.
Only one.
The hardest and easiest contract I’ve ever embarked on.
Teaching me patience.
Love beyond time and space.
How to cook (seriously)
When my mother hat got blown off by the biggest gust of wind -aka when I lost Tommy-I realized how much worth I had attached to my mother hat. How I got blind in it.
A wonderful take away of my loosing my hat to the wind was to realize the only one that could define that role was - me.
Isaiah and Tommy’s teachings are ever-evolving. They transformed me- a new dimension of the world revealed. But because I lost it once and got lost in it- I now own it to myself (and other mothers) to look at it. Investigate it. Engage with its complex materials. How did I want to feel in my mother hat? Because even through the hardest time, I have a choice.
As a mother, I can feel :
Lucky and lonely
Mighty and helpless
Gentle and fierce
Stuck and free.
Best yet, I can allow all that to coexist.
And when I do, I feel at peace.
I let go.
I fly free.
I come home to myself.
Yeah- lying on the grass with you my love,
I see how much we’ve grown.
I love letting go with you.
Yours in marvelous mothering, always.
E ⭐️ #mothersaremagic#tommytinkerforever

Finally Me

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I can feel my son in me forever, a vital part of me that never goes away.
Like dancers on a vast stage, no matter far he is away, the bond, the interplay is always there, the invisible thread of love, the chemical choreography of blood in the vein.
He is both my pupil and my teacher. For it is he who inducted me into the mysteries of mothering. I was surprised by my selfless, spontaneous loving and service, devotion and trust- a part of me that I’d never known otherwise. He is my truest mirror, my honest reflection, my most profound joy, the subject of my deepest fears. My child connects me the most primal parts of myself. I well up with his tears, I cringed with his pain, brighten with a smile, suffer with his disappointment… in grace.
In innocence.
In gratitude.
With you, I am finally me. ~Gabrielle Roth
Thanks to @elenabrower for sharing this passage many years ago. Words Ive always keep close for both Isaiah pictured here and my Tommy in the sky.
Love you in Mother’s Day & spontaneity, always.
E ⭐️ #tommytinkerforever#motherhoodrising #mothersaremagic#motherhoodthroughig #mothersday#motherhood #cowbaylove
Mothers are Magic tee is from @bee_and_mae !! Kickass sneakers from @proskates on Quinpool 👌🏻

Babies & Bellies Spring 2019: Mothers are Magic!!


✨Sharing this video because
1) these women are my hero’s. Unbeknownst to them, they have healed my own bereaved mothers heart every Wednesday, for many years over.


2)It would be a disservice to the world to not share the light and -at times invisible and undervalued- work of mothers !!


3)Yoga and why you practice is deeply personal. We ALL carry stories in our hearts. Sharing them heals bulks of us that are disconnected and disembodied.
As Mothers day approaching- you are allowed to feel whatever you feel! It stings coping with infertility, to have lost a mother, to be estranged from your mother, to have miscarried or lost a (or ++) child. And coast Mother’s Day like it’s nothing? It’s not nothing.


Whether you are a mother or not, my wish in that you find hope in these women as much as I have. A peaceful revolution of women gathering, changing the world one breath at a time. “On this path, no effort is wasted, no gain ever reversed, for even a little bit of this practice will shelter you from sorrow” ~ The Bhagavad Gita

Loving you-
E ⭐️

Wild & tameless motherhood can be

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#TBT to that time I took my two little boys on an 11 hours flight to Hawaii by myself (and thats not counting the first leg either!) 🙃 I didn’t think I was crazy but a lot of people loved telling me so. Sure- going to the bathroom, hydrating, eating and napping- was not an option. People (aka other moms) would often offer me to take one baby so I could shove something in my mouth or pee with one of them on my lap.


On that trip, i went to my first ever Wanderlust Festival which was catalyst in merging creativity & yoga which BTW this is now the cornerstone of all my class/workshops/retreats I offer today. My dad & brother got a heartwarming visit with the little dudes which cut me some slack in return . I have one of my most cherished memory of Tommy on that trip. It’s of us hugging (for a long time!) on a windy and warm sand beach. A lioness with (still) two little cubs. Holding this memory always reminds me of how wild & tameless motherhood can be.


It never occurred to me that it was impossible to travel with babies. Do other animals not travel because of their cubs? We all have different priorities, of course, but for me the pains it takes to get there is always worth the richness and fullness that can be found in travelling the world. It’s always worth it.


To the grand-mother who insisted on taking a picture of us three that morning at 5:30 am - thank you! It’s the only evidence of my lioness crazy during that time.


Yours in keeping and remembering your crazies, always.
E ⭐️ #tommytinkerforever